I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
