She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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