I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
