You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
