Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
