Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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