Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
