I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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