My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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