If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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