Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
