i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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