I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You may now shotgun with the bride
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
