I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
