So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize