FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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