he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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