3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
