My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
