I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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