cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
