she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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