I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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