a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
