Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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