lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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