that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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