so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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