i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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