I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
