ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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