I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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