I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
