The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
