I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
