dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
farters have to be the big spoon...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
