Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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