Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
