i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
