is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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