When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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