I love black thongs
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
