In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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