You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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