now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
