Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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