i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Bring me that man meat
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