Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
