even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
