the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
