So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
