he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
