I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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