I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
either way he was missing a nipple.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
