Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
