I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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