I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
