I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
